Love Comes

LOVE is a scary word for me, but it is something I have been journaling about quite a bit. CJEA has certainly opened me up to dreaming bigger than I ever had before, but now that my dreams are coming true I don't really know what to do with them. I very rarely hear this side of things. Lately, with "The Secret" being such a hit, it is now quite popular and acceptable to manifest the life of our dreams... I am beginning to think that a common reaction to people's desires coming to fruition is: OH S%!T, WHAT DO I DO NOW? Dreams are very different from reality. Our dreams are safe... they can be whatever we want them to be. But when they work their way into the world of form, they have to contend with our fears... like: Do I deserve this? Am I going to drop the ball? How are other people going to react to this? Is this really what I want? When our dreams begin coming true, they unquestionably stir the pot as life is being restructured to accommodate them. It may feel like chaos. We are stepping out of the familiar world and into a space of infinite potential... which, for me, feels like being dumped into the middle of the ocean with three miles below me that I cannot see and all I can imagine are the sharks moving in on the smell of my fear. During the fall intensive, Lucia said something that has helped me immeasurably: CHAOS IS SIMPLY THAT SPACE THAT EXISTS BETWEEN AN OLD ORDER AND A NEW ORDER. This simple statement keeps me moving forward through those moments when my thoughts and feelings are trying to make me run back to the world I know. So I journal. ALOT. And I pray that the fall-out of Love's fruition becomes the fuel I need to grow into the woman that God intends for me to be.

WHAT is going on?

IT has been truly indescribable lately... two months of sitting with this shift and, still, words are not coming. I was kissed on the solstice and my heart exploded after being locked up tight for... ever. What do I do with this? I was thrust into this strange combination of DIVINE REVERIE and deep mourning... letting go of SHIT hurts too, if it's become your sad, sick companion.

I've been creating like an insane artist... trying to make this shift tangible. I've been keeping an art journal, I guess to prove that something has happened to me... IS happening to me (go here to see). I'm guessing alot of folks aren't seeing what I'm seeing in the art, but a few are. They say they are shifting too. So, we've decided to team up and see where it takes us (go here to see).

The AMAZING thing is: I'm hearing evidence, with a greater frequency, that people are feeling something fundamentally different going on within them AND they are talking about it... even when they don't have the words. It doesn't seem that words are necessary.

Whatever it is that's going on... THANK GOD. It's about time.

The Sweetest Things Are Fleeting

I don’t know if it is because of where I find myself in this moment… totally and serenely surrendered, but I think I’ve never I’ve understood anything more clearly than I did reading these words just a moment ago:

“… all progress must come from deep within and cannot be pressed or hurried by anything. Everything is gestation and then bringing forth. To let each impression and each germ of a feeling come to completion, wholly in itself, in the dark, in the inexpressible, the unconscious, beyond the reach of one’s own intelligence, and await with deep humility and patience the birth-hour of a new clarity: that alone is living the artist’s life: in understanding as in creating. There is here no measuring with time, no year matters, and ten years are nothing. Being an artist means not reckoning and counting, but ripening like the tree which does not force its sap and stands confident in the storms of spring without fear that after them may come no summer. It does come. But it comes only to the patient, who are there as though eternity lay before them, so unconcernedly still and wide. I learn it daily, learn it with pain to which I am grateful: patience is everything.”

- Rainer Maria Rilke

This understanding may well be beyond my grasp as I read it again tomorrow, but I am unbelievably grateful that I had this moment of clarity, fleeting though it may be. It seems that the greatest gifts and insights are just that… fleeting. Thank God we get them at all.

Ahhh...

I don't feel like stone anymore. I don't feel angst ridden. I don't quite know how I "do" feel yet, but it is something close to serene and it's been with me for a while now. I always secretly felt that I would be utterly bored with serenity, but boring it is not.

Angst and Mania... I'm getting tired of that ride

My friend Andy speaks of the "Dead Center" from time to time... which is the place that is so centered there is no movement. Stagnant. That place is one of my greatest fears. Like the eye of a hurricane for me. I feel that it is deceptive. Just beyond the calm is a torrent of intensity and chaos. I've only had fleeting moments in a calm center. I've never allowed myself to stay there for more than a little while. The curse of an artist is the belief that inspiration is only derived from emotionally intense extremes, from angst to euphoric mania. I used to live in these places with the belief that I was thriving. Now that I am entertaining the idea that I might enjoy some balance and serenity, there is a part of me that is TOTALLY REBELLING. The more I seek out my center, the more my mind tricks me out of wanting it. The closer I get, the more convinced I become that BALANCE IS DANGEROUS... AVOIDANCE MEANS SURVIVAL. I have this irrational belief that if I stay in the center too long, all the wierd little quirks that make me ME will be burned away. "Dead Center" takes on a whole new meaning. Part of me knows that this is just my mind trying to kill me, but how do I make that insane part SHUT UP? Really, I'm asking... this is not a rhetorical question.

A Tenuous Peace

Boundaries are an interesting thing. It's a tenuous peace living with them. I'm speaking of the intangible kind, the one's we often don't know we are crossing until we are way on the other side and scrambling to get back on a safe footing. THIS is the only way I know how to really discover what my boundaries are. I can't just butt up to the line and stop. I have to cross over and explore a little so I can understand WHY the line is there and if it is really necessary anymore... was it ever really necessary?

I've been thinking alot lately about how the events of my past have shaped my present character. I am realizing that, a great portion of the time, most of us are reacting to current situations through the memory of previous experiences... from which way to turn at the stop light to how deeply we will allow ourselves to engage with another. We are creating boundaries all the time with an endless stream of identifications with our past. This is how we move through the day without overloading our brains with too much information... but it's easy to give in to this unconscious decision making process to the point where we are not really making any decisions at all... we are just REACTING.

It is difficult and draining to be constantly diligent in regards to recognizing boundaries. I am in that place right now. Nothing reveals mine more than when I am in an intimate relationship where I am exposing secret peices of myself that I rarely let others see... I am vulnerable. But it is in this place where I can really begin to renegotiate the borders:
"This one stays put for now"
"This one can be pushed back a bit"
"I can let this person through"
"This one is totally irrelevent now"

Boundaries can be a good thing. They reveal our strength and fortitude. But they can imprison us just as effectively as they protect. Redefining our boundaries is like going to war... we are battling with those parts of ourselves that drew out the border lines and keep guard on them... like the dragon guarding the stone tower. I am finally coming to realize that I am the dragon, the damsel AND the knight... I create my own prison and the only one to really save me is ME, although it is a beautiful and blessed thing to have another knight to walk with along the way towards freedom.

And Another Thing...

Another thing about 'NOW... AND NOW... AND NOW...', I have a different spin on the old addage "Don't count you chickens before they hatch" which is "Don't crack the egg before it's ready to hatch". That's the hard thing about wishes, dreams and wants... we see a potential coming in to focus and we want to go ahead and dig it out into the tangible realm rather than letting it unfold. There are so many changes swirling around in my world and it's all I can do to simply repeat my new mental mantra. It's not in my nature. When I was young my Granny tried to teach me how to sew. Instead of taking the time to learn the process, I wanted to jump right in and make a patchwork quilt. Frustrated with my impatience, Granny just set all of the supplies infront of me and went about her business. I never finished that quilt and I still don't know how to sew. I'm getting better with practicing patience, but whenever I see a challenge or a new experience coming into focus I want to dive right into it... but I should be treating it like the egg: Sit on it. Nurture it and keep it safe and warm until it starts poking its way out... AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T START PICKING AWAY AT THE SHELL TO HURRY THINGS ALONG... that's the hardest part. At some point, God willing, the NOW I've been waiting for will. . . . eventually. . . . . . . at some point. . . . . . . be . . . . . . . . . . . .NOW.

NOW... AND NOW... AND NOW...

I'm a HUGE thinker... which comes as no surprise to those who know me. Being a thinker most definitely has its pitfalls. I'd like to think I can think myself out of anything. This works fine most of the time for worldly matters, but thinking oneself out of emotional traps, like fear or worrying about the future, is entirely another matter. I had a conversation with a friend earlier this evening... after appraising my convoluted emotional state and my need for some relief, he asked if I wanted to know THE ANSWER. "I'm not just ranting here... this is a dialogue" I said. "The answer IS... (long pause)... stay in the NOW". That's it? Easier said than done for a thinker. Simple things are rarely easy, though. SO, I'm going to test my hypothesis that perhaps I can think myself out of emotional traps... whenever I start spinning off into past or future fears, I'll simply say "NOW... AND NOW...... AND NOW........" I'll let you know how it works.

Snapshots

I just finished reading a blog entry from a friend... it got me thinking. What is that elusive shift that causes us to view things that we see everyday as "fresh"? Is it as simple as making a decision to look a little closer or is it something that happens TO us that shifts our perspective? It's easy to freeze things and people like a snapshot... and ourselves, for that matter. Sometimes the only way to stay on task is to move through a familiar world... but everything is always changing... even us. I remember a moment when my mom's snapshot of me was shredded. She gave me a double-take. I was somehow subtly different to her... a woman, now, and not her silly girl. Then I dribbled coffee down my chin, down my fancy wool coat. "There she is" she said with relieved recognition. It irks me when I am frozen in a snapshot by other people. I think “Can’t you see that I am EVOLVING?” But I’m guilty of the same offense. They are evolving too, unawares by me. Simply by moving through the world, we are changed. Simply by moving through the world, we change it… for better or worse.

Sometimes I imagine, when going about my daily routine, that I’m in a foreign land. I’ve never seen these sights or met these people. Invariably, it does seem foreign. Little details that I normally skim over pop out in great detail… like the life that grows out of the cracks in the sidewalk that I’ve walked down for ten years become new realms to explore. I take that to heart somehow… even though we have a solid idea about ourselves and the world around us, cracks form from the wear and tear of living and fresh, new things grow out from them.

One Rock at a Time

I've been working on myself, but I can only do so much alone. We can't heal in a vacuum. It sometimes takes other people to stir us up or push our buttons to bring things to light. It pisses me off when other people get tangled up in my messy emotions... but it gives me comfort when someone stays there with me a while and it gives me hope that I'm not a lost cause after all. I sometimes wonder if I'm ever going to let loose of some of this mess that I'd long been mistaking for "quirks"... but, looking back from where I am now, I see how much my view has shifted over time. So, although I may be moving slow, I am making progress. Becoming a little bit lighter... dropping one rock at a time.